Trigger Warning

So I visited NHS yesterday after school, and needless to say, it was amazing to re-connect with teachers and friends .. Something i wasn’t expecting happened also happened …. To sum it up, I wasn’t given a trigger warning before my most painful memory of high school was brought up by my teacher … No it wasn’t a shady thing; No, nothing was dark or immoral … If you didn’t know me in my high school freshmen year, then you don’t know about this ……. … So … I am writing about this experience ….because I know if I face it and let it out, I’ll be able to grow … That’s what God has been saying to me …… So here we go …

In the Thanksgiving of 2011, which is the fall of my high school freshmen year … I got really ill …. like super ill … Actually ‘ill’ is an understatement … I was dying … My heart rate was at 119: a number that I will never forget … There were dark spots from my fMRI scan …. Doctors at St. John said, “Well … We aren’t sure if this is cancer …. Our equipment is outdated, so you are to be given a chance to be transferred to either UofM’s hospital or the Detroit Medical Center ……” My dad, without hesitation, claimed a spot at C.S. Mott Children’s hospital …. and that was my first experience with the university I currently attend…..I first encountered the University of Michigan through being a patient and dying at its children’s hospital …. like seriously, this is still the biggest “what the fuck” moment in my life so far …

When my high school Japanese teacher told me that her initial impression of me was that of cuteness and fragility…When the high school Spanish teacher, whom I never had as a teacher, still remembers both my face and name from helping my Japanese teacher wheel me into the elevator in 9th grade …… when my Japanese teacher proudly formally introduced me to her …. When she said they’ve been talking about me throughout these years … A lot of memories, good and bad, ugly and pretty, rushed into me …….

So I’m gonna start with the ugly to get it over with the fastest …. A lot of bullies from high school …. These jerky boys who had nothing to do were bothering the hell out of me … They questioned the truthfulness of my illness and was spreading rumors that I am able to walk but is just choosing to stay on a wheelchair to get attention …. I got really indignant over those comments because back then, I cared about the wrong stuff .. I cared about other people’s shitty comments toward me … It wasn’t until knowing God had I known that nobody’s comments matters besides mine, so hallelujah for that !! Needless to say, not being able to walk was painful, too … Having to be in a wheelchair and get pushed around actually made me less human-like; I felt like a tool instead of a human-being …….

Butttt, there are bads and goods to everything, so I’m gonna move on to the good things !! The harsh comments from the bullies actually motivated me to practice walking, and in 2 weeks I was out of the wheelchair !!! Woah !!! What a miracle !!!! It was near the Christmas break of my high school freshman year, and by then, i was able to walk, although very shakily !! I was so freaking gosh darn proud of myself !!!! Another one of the good things is that a lot of people around me, including my Japanese teacher: Mrs. Rosen, the Spanish teacher that I never had as an instructor: Ms. Schaefer and every faculty and staff at Novi, aided me in not only getting around but cared for my mental issues as well ….. The most important lesson though, is God’s love. It was on the hospital bed of C.S. Mott’s had I prayed to God for the first time … At that time I wasn’t a believer, so I did it with the mentality of: I don’t know if God is real; I don’t think I believe in him, but since it seems that I’m about to die, why not give it a try ??? I prayed on my hospital bed, “Dear God, if you really exist, hear me out …. I want to live …. If that wish can be made possible, I’ll use the rest of my life to honor you…”

The end of the story is: I lived on, and I am praying on. Hallelujah Jesus is the best !!!!!!!!

Love God, Love Life

Today was a beautiful day,not just because it’s a Sunday but because it really was a SUNday. The sun came out after many days of sun, and that I was shiny as well ☀☀☀. Today is lovely not just because of the weekly 11:11 service but also because I participated, for the first, time in Life Chain: a pro-life movement. I understand that my face is beautiful, but the images of babies are wayyyyy more pretty!! I held up a “every life matters” sign for the whole afternoon, and every single moment was worth it. Even though I and the rest of the pro-lifers got a plenty of middle fingers and “fuck you”s roared at us, the amount of love and adoration we received surpassed the hatred !!! I prayed for the haters and gave them A LOT of love!! All of the life chainers today knew and understand that one’s stance on abortion varies with individuals, and we respect that. We didn’t tell anyone “Oh my god. You are disgusting for killing babies,” but merely spread love by holding up signs and giving thumbs up to the cars passing by !! It’s so worth it to be loving life in this way !!!!! God is amazing !! Live is amazing !!img_6011

Know God, know life; no God, no life.

“Well, I don’t consider myself a good Christian since I’m still doubtful.”

“May I ask you why you’re here then?”

“My mom is the reason. She is the only one in my household who believes in God while the rest of my family is against the idea of Christianity. All my other relatives considered Christianity a kind of cult because it is western. My dad had even threatened to divorce my mother and almost did that. Regardless, my mother still took me to church with her and had me baptized at a very young age. At the time of my baptism, I didn’t believe in God. It wasn’t until my mother had gotten sick had I ‘kinda’ felt God’s presence. She caught a rare illness and even the doctors have told my dad that her chances of living is very slim. Just as everyone is about to give up, I made the decision to inform the church my mother was attending at the moment. I was thinking: at least she would be pleased if her fellow believers have blessed her to heaven. The priest and his disciples followed my wish to come see her for the last time and prayed sincerely around her bed. Then magic happened. She got off her bed the next morning and insisted that she was fine. The medical staff did a checkup on her and proved her well-being.”

“Wow, God really did work his magic on your mom. This may be abrupt, but can I ask you why you’re still skeptical?”

“The lord did work his power on you and my mother, but … I don’t think I have experienced such drastic changes like the both of you … I still don’t consider myself fully and truly godly at this moment. I want to get more information with regards to God, and that’s why I’m attending this church after my job moved me to Shanghai. Hopefully after I become more informed I’ll get baptized again, with God in my heart and fully offer my soul and body to heaven.”
“Just know that even if you don’t solider yourself faithful to the lord, Christ is with you already, and that’s why you’re here at this Church. At least that’s what I am thinking”
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Thank you, my lovely friend, for buying me a copy of the bible in Chinese. It’s the most understandable version I have yet to see.”